rose in bloom - I told myself if I lost weight, then ......

                    a plus size woman’s journey to discover her place in a world 

                    where being slim is the unrealistic expectation for acceptance.   

I told myself if I lose weight, then ..........

During my late twenties, thirties and forties, I lived with the constant thought that, “if I lose weight then I'll be more popular and will gain friends”; “if I lose weight then someone may really love me for who I am”; “if I lose weight then I'll be offered more attractive and well paid jobs”; “if I lose weight, then maybe I could go even go to university”; “if I lose weight people won’t make fun of me .......”;  “if I lose weight I could live a fairytale life ...”

Everything and indeed my whole future depended upon “if I lose weight.”  A wave of my fairy godmother's magic wand, and I would suddenly no longer be a fat Cinderella but a slim, raving beauty surrounded by handsome men bearing me all manner of gifts from roses, perfume, luxury yachts, a Ferrari or two, gowns by Dior, jewellery from Tiffany's, and wined and dined at the most expensive restaurants. A mansion overlooking the Indian Ocean or even the Pacific would do, and even a small island to call my own. Luxury travel around the world - perhaps Paris, London, Milan, the Greek Islands. Anything my heart desired would be handed to me on a silver platter (or even gold), and I would want for nothing. So much for fairy tales. 

That fairy godmother's wave of her magic wand never happened. I still thought however, that all I had to do was to diet to lose weight, and then she would deign to visit me. I didn't really need all the fripperies and mansions and Ferrari's, merely just one or two of the fantasies, including a man who would truly love me! So I did what the majority of fat women do. I dieted. 

I took tablets to lose weight, I replaced meals with ridiculous, harmful “wonder” treatments; I starved myself of food that my body needed, I ate food which I detested. I cut down on the size of meals. I humiliated myself by constant self-badgering. The binging and the guilt that came with it lived with me as constant companions.  I didn’t like myself, there were too many times when I could say I detested the image that I saw in the mirror.

I exercised lightly.  I jogged, I ran. I walked for miles. I cut out meat, milk, eggs, bread, sweets, nuts, and fruit from my diet, because the experts said these foods were not good for me;  - too much sugar, too much fat, too much salt, too many carbohydrates, too many calories, too much …..  Of course, the so-called “experts” have changed their minds, but I wasn’t to know that back then.

I didn't touch chocolate, until my craving became too horrendous to refuse. So yes, I would diet, and then I'd binge, I confess, but then I'd diet and diet some more. What good did it do me? No good at all, because I became more unhappy, more unfulfilled, empty, irritable, bad tempered with myself, hating myself, and hungry.   Worst of all, I became bigger.

My objective?

To lose weight, then I'd be happy and healthy and all my dreams would come true - boy, what a myth!  

What I gained? 

By pursuing the diet regime, I gained absolutely nothing except extra pounds (kilos) and extra guilt as well as an empty purse! 

"Rose In Bloom" - © Copyright 2002-2020, Rosemary Parry-Brock, Australia

(Please bear in mind this booklet was first printed in the 1990s.  Compare that with today's attitudes.)

Copyright ©2002 R Parry-Brock

Reprinted 2010

Reprinted 2012

Reprinted 2014

Reprinted 2017

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ISBN 09577809 4