rose in bloom - Getting up each morning and at times hiding from the day ...

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Getting up each morning and at times hiding from the day, hiding from others and sometimes hiding from myself! 






There were times when getting up out of bed seemed as impossible as flying to the moon. I wanted to, get up I mean, but I had no energy. No one really cared if I got up or not, so why should I care? I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror, and so I didn't. Some days I would spend the entire day in my dressing gown and slippers. Occasionally I did put my hair up in rollers, but not often.  You may ask why I put my hair in hair rollers?  Simple - I didn’t dare go to a hairdresser because I couldn’t fit into their seats1   Why bother?  

I didn't sleep well. Quite honestly my sleep patterns were notoriously irregular and for much of the time I was suffering from hunger pains. That's when I wasn't suffering from feeling over-full and bloated from having binged and being overtaken with feelings of guilt and shame. 

No one called to see me, anyway. The only time I would go out of the house would be to collect the mail but this would be a very hurried event, because I didn't want the neighbours to see me. As for spending time talking with them, I couldn't think of anything worse. They'd be looking down their noses at me, and sniggering behind their tight little smiles, and then I'd be the “subject for discussion” when they got together to chat with their friends over the fence, or down the street, sharing a cup of coffee.

A few people sent me letters, but those who did never dreamed I was so ashamed of my weight, or that I had lost whatever confidence I may have had from my earlier years. Things just got worse and worse, and there seemed to be nothing I could do about it. Each day became a repetition of the day before. I couldn't see straight, I couldn't think straight, and I couldn't see a future that included me. 

I'll tell you something though. I cried a lot. In anger, in frustration, and admonishment at myself, and about myself. I can understand why many other women who are big resort to all sorts of self-hating, because I was there also, far too many times.  



My objective? 
To rid myself of both self-inflicted and outside influences that told me I wasn't worthwhile, as a person


What I gained! 

A realisation that maybe it wasn't just “other people” who were out to hurt and offend me, but that I had some responsibility in my situation as well





"Rose In Bloom" - © Copyright 2002-2020, Rosemary Parry-Brock, Australia


(Please bear in mind that this booklet was first printed in the 1990s.  Compare that with today's attitudes.)
Copyright © R Parry-Brock, 2002 
Reprinted 2010
Reprinted 2012
Reprinted 2014
Reprinted 2017
Published on Blogger © Rosemary Parry-Brock, 2020

All rights reserved. No part of this concept
or publication may be reproduced; stored in 
a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form 
or by any means electronic, mechanical, 
photocopying, printing, scanning, recording, 
CD, DVD, USB or otherwise, without the prior 
permission of the author.  


ISBN 09577809 4 




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